Saleem's "Story"
In the past I have been reluctant to tell "my story" because I
considered it off the point, and not relevant to supporting greater opening
into what is here and now. And, what I am most interested in has to do with
how we are the same, and with that which transcends and
includes all of OUR story, not just an over-simplification of a few events
in the life of one individual expression of US.
However, I have to admit that I enjoy stories of all kinds, and I find that
each unique perspective enriches the view of our human condition, and what
is possible for each of us.
The story of my own life that most interests me ~ is about the
discovery of truth and love. It is about realizing God, and being human.
And the divine marriage between what appears as two. It moves from suffering
and ignorance to a dawning of peace and love at the core of being. And it
moves from trancendent realization to a growing appreciation of fully including
and inhabiting the human dimension of our being.
a first taste
My love for the discovery of truth began over 25 years ago, when
unexpectedly the veils that I had called “reality” were temporarily lifted.
The view that was revealed was stunningly beautiful. Tears and laughter
came at the same time, as I was released from a prison I didn't even know
I was in. And, perhaps for the first time in my life, I was truly grateful
to be alive. The meaning and miracle of my life was made clear through this
direct experience of being fully alive. By some grace, for a few glorious
months, the reactive and interpretive processes of mind were suspended and
I had a deep and unforgettable taste of living in a state of wide awake
openness and surrender.
But as these precious months concluded, this newfound experience of freedom
and expansive joy passed. What returned was this familiar sense of my “self”,
which now felt limited, contracted, and painful compared to the grace of
what I had just been experiencing. In retrospect, I can see that at this
time I didn't recognize the radical difference between changing states of
consciousness, however sublime, and the unchanging truth, or ground of Being.
And I had not yet discovered that I had the capacity to simply open into
whatever is here, finding peace and freedom at the core of everything.
the search for freedom
For the next 10 years, the central focus of my life was an active
attempt to regain what I thought I had lost, and to heal what I thought
needed healing. I was determined to do whatever it took to return to that
state of openness and aliveness that I now knew was not only possible, but
also natural.
As I continued with my studies at the University of Vermont as an English
major, I sought whatever resources were around me to help release the mental
suffering, and lead me back to a natural state of ease. I learned to meditate
at a local Buddhist Center, and dedicated 2-3 hours a day to discovering
the art of witnessing sensations, thoughts, and feelings without becoming
identified with them. I took classes in comparative religion, philosophy,
and psychology. I read books by Chogyam Trungpa, Osho, Ramana Maharshi,
Alan Watts, Da Free John, J.Krishnamurti, and others… finding myself in
conversation with souls who understood both my predicament and the possibility
of liberation.
After completing my junior year I decided to leave college (though I would
return and graduate later) so that I could give my attention more fully
to the pursuit of a direct and lasting realization of freedom. Through a
series of “coincidences” I soon found myself meeting a spiritual teacher,
currently called Osho, that one of my University Professors had told me
about. And much to the horror of family and friends, I willingly joined
the company of an Eastern guru and iconoclast and his international caravan
of spiritual gypsies.
In the next 5 years before his death in 1990, I had the opportunity to be
part of a community that embraced a vision of spiritual life that included
being fully and authentically human. I strongly resonated with Osho’s work
to challenge the beliefs of spiritual traditions that no longer served,
and to support the possibility of both liberation and the flowering of human
potential. During this time (as well as being dedicated to a daily vipassana
meditation practice and attending several extended meditation retreats with
the vipassana teacher S.N. Goenke) I spent every opportunity possible exploring
the rich avenues available in this community for psychological and emotional
healing, meditation, and creative expression.
During these years I had the privilege to meet many wonderful friends and
teachers, and to have many experiences of depth, clarity and beauty. However,
while I continued to have glimpses of a deeper reality, what seemed to remain
constant was a core sense of being a separate self, and a longing for the
view beyond. While I knew I was on the right track, when Osho passed on
in 1990 I had not yet found what I was searching for. A few days after his
death I had a clear intuition that I would need to find another teacher
to help me cross over into freedom, and curiously I also had the foreknowledge
that this teacher would appear in the form of a woman.
the simple truth
In early Fall of 1991 I met Gangaji. It is hard to put into words
the significance of this meeting. In a very real way, meeting her was meeting
my Self. Somehow she was speaking the language of my heart, and confirming
what I already knew deep inside to be true. I felt the silent power of presence
that her words were coming from and pointing to. And the way was made clear:
stop searching for anything that is not already here; fully experience this
moment as it is; and recognize who you really are, and who you have always
been.
While my heart response to hearing her invitation was immediate, several
months were needed to fully allow this invitation to penetrate, and to face
all that was being stirred up through the simple gesture of calling off
the search and remaining still. For the first time in my life I could actually
feel the existential terror that death was inevitable, and a despair of
feeling separate from God and all of life. It felt as though the moment
of my death had arrived, and there was no turning back.
Again and again I let myself fall into the feelings that were now released
into my conscious awareness. Although they were not comfortable to feel,
there was a growing sense of homecoming. I was no longer running from anything,
and I was no longer searching for something that was not here already. I
was coming home to myself.
the clear seeing of fabrication
About 6 months after I met Gangaji I felt a strong desire to visit her teacher,
Poonjaji, aka Papaji, in India. And on the day I bought a plane ticket to
make the trip, a cascade of realizations started to happen. And in the two
weeks time before I made the journey to see Papaji, what I had been searching
for was more deeply revealed than I could have ever imagined.
What was most essential about the realizations that were happening had nothing
to do with sublime “states” of consciousness or spiritual energies, or any
of that. (Even though such states and energies were powerfully released
at this time.) The significance of what was revealing itself was the deepening
insight that the “self” that I had believed to be real and substantial on
a deep feeling level was in fact not substantial and not who and what I
really am.
The metaphor of a movie may be cliché and overused, yet it works
well to describe the phenomena of giving imagined reality to something that
is simply make believe. (For Star Trek fans the holodeck may be even better)
Waking to what my “self” truly is, was like sitting in a movie theater totally
absorbed in the story, and fully identified with the characters and what
they were feeling and experiencing... and then suddenly... having a very
pronounced awareness that I was sitting in a movie theater. That I was looking
at a white screen with images being projected onto it. That I was hearing
recorded voices and sounds being played through speakers that matched the
images perfectly. Just moments before, these moving pictures and sounds
were creating an illusion that seemed so real that the story I was watching
and its characters had a life of their own. Now the spell was broken, and
I was simply watching changing patterns of colored light projected on a
screen.
I was now acutely aware that my own mind was projecting the movie of me
and my life. And I could feel the effort it took to keep the whole production
going. The question arose, if the experience of my “self” is a projection
of mind, then who am I really? What is this that I am that is aware? What
came initially was not an answer to what I am, it was a certainty of what
I am not. I realized I was not a thought. I was not a feeling. I was not
a state. I was not a person. In fact I was not any “thing” at all. I was
not even a very subtle spiritual thing, like my idea of a soul. I realized
I am NOTHING, NO THING.
the revelation of the ground of Being
This certain awareness of WHAT I WAS NOT was and is utterly liberating,
and what remains when nothing is attached to, is pure fulfillment. By recognizing
that what I had attached to as my “self” was not who I am, a growing awareness
of I AM revealed itself. This absence of being a thing was filled with a
PRESENCE that was undivided and solid. It was empty of thingness yet filled
with the true substance of pure Being. As Being, I realized I am freedom
itself. I am happiness and bliss itself. I am consciousness itself. I am
the Life in which all life appears. And nothing needed to change in my circumstance,
my story, or my feelings, in order to realize this universal truth at the
core of our being.
This simple discernment between a fabricated sense of a “self” that I believed
to be real, and of unfabricated and unchanging consciousness and bliss,
was the end of suffering and the beginning of realizing unconditional peace
and happiness regardless of the content of my experience.
Shortly after this, I did go to India for 2 months and attended
meetings with Papaji. It was a profound time and a time of deeper and deeper
homecoming to my Self. However, the essential discoveries in this chapter
of my life had already occurred before I went. So I don’t feel any need
to speak about the revelatory experiences that unfolded there. But what
I will say is that ironically, sublime experiences that I had at one time
sought now came in abundance without seeking for them. And, as precious
as they were, what was most precious was the liberating truth of what remained
free of any need for any experience at all.
crucifixion and bliss
A strange thing happened when the seeking came to an end, and the deeper
truth powerfully revealed itself. With this dawning of freedom, I also began
to experience unfamiliar burning sensations, my body seemed to rest much
more than usual, and I only a slept for a few brief hours each night. For
the first couple of months of this experience I paid it no mind, and assumed
it was normal, and just part of what happens when the separate self-sense
releases its hold. Then just before leaving India, I got a high fever, and
flu-like illness, which put me in bed for 2 weeks. After the flu came and
went, and I returned to the States, I assumed I would be feeling strong
and well again soon. Instead, what happened was the symptoms that I had
experienced before the flu were still there, and were getting worse.
As the weeks passed and the symptoms worsened, I became concerned
that something was wrong. And even though the symptoms began before I went
to India, I thought it would be best to have testing done for parasites
in case this was the reason for the downhill trend. Repeated testing found
no explanation for the cause of what was now disabling fatigue, and intense
burning pain.
When the medical establishment provided no cause for my symptoms, I started
to become very concerned that something was very wrong. And concerned that
there was no explanation, and therefore no course of treatment. For the
first time since the awakening experience with Gangaji, I experienced suffering.
And it was very clear how this was happening. I experienced severe pain
and fatigue, then imagined what this would mean in the future, then experienced
fear about that, then internally said, “no, this is too much, I don’t want
this.”
For about 2 weeks I was in hell. It was becoming obvious that my body was
not well, and that this may be a long-term experience. The hell was in the
rejection of what was now here. And it was in stark contrast to the immense
peace and freedom that I had found through embracing the moment as it is.
Now came the real test, and since it was clear that I had the choice to
stop resisting, I did.
Crucifixion is a good metaphor for this opportunity to give up resistance
to the full catastrophe of what is here. Bearing the agony of the suffering
head on. Dying to the past and future. Giving it all up. Letting it all
go. There is just what is here now, and it hurts. And there is a wanting
for the pain to go away. And the wanting hurts. But more than wanting the
pain to go away, more than wanting my body to be well, there was a deep
resolve to stay true to the truth that I had realized. A resolve to stand
firm in the capacity that I know is here: to experience everything, even
this pain and loss, fully, and willingly. A resolve to lay down the resistance
to what is, and surrender.
And so it happened. Resistance yielded to a firm resolve to surrender, to
open into this moment as it is. The pain didn’t go away, the fatigue didn’t
change, and I still slept fewer hours than my body needed. But there was
a blissful release, a peace, a gentleness. And, in that moment I realized
that I could open to this experience for however long it lasted. I felt
hugely grateful for the truth of God, for the presence of my own Being,
and for the spark of true understanding that guided “me” to surrender.
The realization of timeless truth and the surrendering of resistance to
what-is marked a profound shift in my experience of being human. It was
like a chick breaking out of an egg, or of a plant breaking out of its seed-form
and rising into the light… and much more than that. All the qualities of
spirit, all the names of God, were no longer sought for but simply and naturally
here like air, like sunshine. The silent song in my heart was like a hymn
of praise to the dawning of unconditional love and peace that is our very
essence.
peace in adversity
I feel deeply blessed by the good timing for this great discovery, because
the onset of severe fatigue and pain marked the beginning of a challenge
that would last for many years. Fortunately I was now ready to meet the
challenge, and to make the best use of it that I possibly could. The symptoms
I was experiencing worsened to the point where I spent most of my time lying
down in bed or on a couch. Eating a meal, or having a conversation was a
big event. One experimental treatment after the other failed to significantly
change the tenaciousness of the symptoms that effectively removed me from
the flow of normal life. My job and capacity to work was gone, and my savings
soon with it. My body was in agony, and there was no end in sight. Emotionally,
at times I felt deeply sad, angry, anxious, and discouraged about the condition
of my body. Giving these feelings, and any reaction to them, my full, loving
attention – allowed them to discharge and pass. And yet deeper than these
painful feelings I recognized and felt the presence of God – my own Self
- alive in my heart, and I was grateful for the miracle of happiness and
fulfillment which did not depend on how I felt, or what I could or couldn’t
do.
There was a moment near the beginning of this time when I realized that
I was no longer able to do simple things to care for myself like driving
and shopping and cooking. And I realized that if my condition persisted
I would need to depend on others to help me on a regular basis. This thought
brought on a wave of fear and anxiety, and I heard myself asking the question:
“Who is going to take care of me!!!?” I could see the possibility of creating
a story about the future to believe and to suffer, but chose instead to
stay with the question and with the fear, in stillness. And at some point,
the question became the answer, and the fear yielded to peace and a certainty
that all is well. Since that moment, the trust I discovered has remained
a constant ally, revealing the wisdom of “not knowing”, and the flow of
love and support that naturally moves to us and through us when we are available
to it. Before I was earning enough income through teaching and counseling
to support myself, this caring flow of love took the form of many different
people. Friends, family, and acquaintances, were moved in different ways
and at different times to provide what was needed. My heart is filled with
thanks for the friends and family who welcomed me into their homes or paid
my rent. Who shopped for me, and shared their meals with me. Who paid for
doctors and healers, and who shared the gift of their love and friendship.
With a body that can be exhausted very easily, I have learned to spend the
time and energy that I have with what I love. Having pain as a daily companion,
has softened defenses that I didn’t even know were here, and has taught
me to be kind with my body and tender with my heart. This liberating ordeal
has taught me far more than I can say in this short story, but I look forward
to spending the rest of my life attempting to do so.
we naturally serve by opening to what-is,
and loving it
One of the prayers that has been with me for as long as I can remember,
and a prayer that I believe is shared in some form by everyone, has been
“How can I help? How can I contribute to the peace and well-being of ALL
OF US?” In response to this, I have always been guided to start where I
am. To first direct all the aspects of my own mind to the source of peace
and happiness within. In this way, I have seen that my efforts to find lasting
peace and happiness in my own experience, was also an expression of an innate
desire to serve the good of the whole.
When my years of searching yielded to the overflowing discovery of fulfillment,
this innate desire to be of use (to the ONE appearing as US) remained –
as if it were some part of myself, like eyes, or ears, or hands. And to
simply acknowledge its presence connected me to this mysterious nexus of
my human soul, where the Divine Totality and the human individual meet as
one. Where the realization that this moment is perfection itself… can touch
and in some way serve the places in my own experience, and in the experience
of others, which feel less than perfect, less than whole, less than happy
and free.
In the year following my discovery, my body was so debilitated that I was
not in a position to “do” anything in response the desire to be useful.
However, it was simply clear to me that my current role and work was to
continually open into and through any reactivity to the pain, limitation,
dependence, and uncertainty of my current predicament. In other words: to
strengthen the capacity to remain in peace and true happiness in response
to the vicissitudes of subjective sensory-emotional experience.
One of the reactions that I encountered was the belief that unless I could
“do” something productive my life had no value or purpose. Since my ability
to “do” was severely compromised, so it reasoned that my value and purpose
for living was also compromised. As with all reactions, my intent was to
see it and feel it for what it was (mere thoughts and feelings) rather than
to become entranced and identified with it as truth. Consistently met in
this way, these distorted beliefs about worth and purpose lost their charge
and sense of reality. In its place I experienced a release from the need
to “do something” in order to experience the inherent value and purpose
of being. I realized in a more embodied way what had been clear from the
beginning of this liberating ordeal – that my role and my work and my purpose
is realized in this moment of opening to what is, loving what is, being
in sympathetic harmony with LIFE as it is unfolding right now. I have come
to perceive and believe that living in contact with the deep truth of our
innermost being is itself meaningful, valuable, and trustworthy.
the play of self-investigation
and deepening
In the fall of 1992, on year after meeting Gangaji, and with a joyful heart
and debilitated body, I found myself at a month-long training for therapists
lead by her husband, Eli. I was both surprised to find myself there, and
excited. I was surprised because prior to meeting Gangaji I had trained
in Ericksonian hypnosis, transformative bodywork and counselling and was
researching Grad schools. But after the life changing revelation that the
self I was learning to heal and transform was not at all what I thought
it was, I had lost interest in the healing and therapeutic fields that were
functioning in a paradigm that I was no longer living in. So it was a surprise
to find myself returning to something I no longer experienced to be necessary
or relevant.
I had heard that his trainings complemented and supported Gangaji’s invitation
to directly realize the freedom, wholeness, and perfection at our core,
by deeply investigating psychological and emotional experience within this
deeper context. While the subject matter of the training was familiar (Neuro-Linguistic
Programming, Ericksonian Hypnosis, and the Enneagram), I felt certain the
context would be radically different than what I had experienced in the
past.
My experience at this training was filled with constant realizations and
discoveries, but the most important were less about the content of what
I learned, and more about the great joy of recognizing that timeless spiritual
awakening and the process of psychological growth, healing, and transformation
were not in opposition to one another, but in fact empowered each other
with priceless gifts.
I was now experiencing a refreshing joy and lightness married to the process
of directly experienced self-investigation. In years prior self-investigation
was married to the struggle and effort of my search, and was seen merely
as a means to an end. And it was suitably named “working on myself.” The
bottom line was that I was not fully happy with what I experienced myself
to be or with how I felt, and I “worked on myself” in an attempt to be better
and to feel better! Now, on the other side of the search, rather than a
means to an end – I realized that self-investigation and therapeutic and
transformational processes are rightfully an expression of joy and playful
discovery, as well as an engagement in the creative evolutionary impulse.
As we explored and applied insights and models from some of the geniuses
in the fields of human perception and therapeutic communication – it was
very clear that none of this was needed to directly and deeply realize the
truth of our being which is beyond any need of change, healing or transformation.
And yet, held in the context of this realization, I recognized that investigating
the particular issues and areas of my life where I experienced a sense of
limitation or unresourcefulness, yielded practical benefits while at the
same time serving to uncover subconscious identification with limited structures
in consciousness. It both created positive and practical changes in my perceptions,
behaviors and function – while also serving to deepen my capacity to consistently
remain in the awareness and bliss of the truth amidst the various cues and
signals that may have in the past triggered an unresourceful reaction. But
the KEY here is that this was all a benefit of deep play, serious fun, joyful
unveiling. It is a state of consciousness that gives up (or directly investigates)
the struggle, and recognizes that even while the processes of psychological,
emotional, and spiritual healing and transformation continue – nothing at
all needs to change in order to realize the deeper ground of our being which
is already free, already whole, and already fulfilled.
sixteen years later
Since the time period of my previous narration I have had the honor and
good fortune of many opportunities to meet with others, in groups and individually,
who are also engaged in this process of awakening, healing, and transformation
– and offer my support as a friend and brother in truth. In the late 90s,
and until the fall of 2006, I offered my support at Eli's retreats, and
then had the opportunity to help birth a school, which I directed and through
which I lead retreats. Since that time I have parted from my association
with Eli, with the clear directive to bring my own work fully and independently
into being.
While the retreats that I have been offering have evolved over the years
to reflect the emergence of fresh inspiration as well as the needs of those
who participate, this evolution has been especially significant during this
recent time of transition. Some forms which I am no longer moved to incorporate
(such as the enneagram and formal hypnosis) have fallen away, and other
simple and powerful supports for embodied realization have emerged. But
more essential than the forms that are part of the work that I am sharing,
is the deep joy of meeting in truth, and mutually supporting the divine
grace that is living us all to awaken more fully, and embody more fully
– as all of us. This continues to be the primary impulse
that moves through this life.
May you be happy and well.